Up is the Moon, Bright are the Stars!

Home Sweet Home

They say, home is where your heart is. I thought I had somewhere I could call home, where I always could take my refuge and feel save and protected, when the world is just way too malicious for me.

It's very funny, when you suddenly have to crush and let go of every dream and aspiration idea you have built from scratch. You have been building them carefully with each breath and step you had taken, that in the process you'd really come to believe that they could have come true. In a way, you even believed that they were your close reality.

So I heard, that home is where your heart is. I thought I have found a place where my heart resides. Somewhere I could always go to, whenever I am in distress; somewhere I would be overjoyed by the abundance of love; somewhere I would always know, that I always could wrap myself up with layers of layers of that warm and fuzzy unconditional love.

It's achingly hilarious, that you just need a weak blow of wind to destroy the castle of cards you have painstakingly built. You'd be very much angered by the destruction, eventhough you have already known deep down, that a palace made of cards is not a real palace, it has no foundation, it can not stay standing tall, it isn't strong. But despite all that knowledge, you would be terribly angry looking at your palace smashed down into just unworthy cards.

Home is where your heart is. Where could I find a haven, where I could place my heart safely without having to be afraid of that gush of wind, that could wreak havoc and force me to crush and let go of all my dreams?

Perhaps home is where my heart was; or will be

Please find me
and
stay with me

The lady of the North

Emerged in colors she goes out of the room.
Her long gown is flowing,
billowing,
blown by the dancing wind
filled with reds, blues, purples and yellows.
With every step she absorbs each hue.
One at a time.

Hear Me Out

I wish I were strong
to lift up this distress
I wish I were strong
to break free from this mess

Your hands are
crushing me

I won't have you in my dreams no more
I won't have you in my words no more
I won't have you in my thoughts no more
I won't have you anymore

The good witch is crying
tears burning their trails
on her red cheeks
"It hurts"
said she

The good witch is crying
over memories of enchanted past
of kisses, dances and promises

Tears are burning trails
on her red cheeks
"Make it stop!"
So she pleads

Forget your sorrow
Forget your pain

Kill your heart
stop the cart

Forgotten will your sorrow be
Forgotten will your pain be

No more pain, no more sorrow
The good witch too
is then no more

-Oz the Great and Powerful-

Feeling the large chunk of emptiness, weeping over the pain of nothingness, repenting for the self made stupidity, but hoping so hard still for that so much wanted salvation: I am what time has carved me into.

On the Wings of Hope

Have you ever been afraid of what the future holds?

The turning of the year was never such a big deal for me; just like birthdays, they are nothing but lines of insignificant numbers. To pinpoint a certain place in time and associate it with some meanings was never my cup of tea. Unlike the believers of Nostradamus nor the sympathizers of the Mayans, I have failed to spend my free time on wondering when the world will eventually come to an end.

But then I came to a halt. A couple of hours before time for the old year is running out, I ponder all the events of the last almost threehundredandsixtyfive days. Would the new pack of days again be an ill witted, uncompassionate entity, which would just continue to batter my withered soul like its predecessor? And then came the question into my head, if others are also afraid of what the future holds.

This fright is shattering my road, greying my skies, hiding my bright sun from sight.

Never have I taken my time to stop and call to mind bitter sweet moments of the past,
never have I taken my time to stop and feel the wounds and scars they have left me.

The pain was an obtrusive color in my palettes. It shook my balance, disarrayed my concentration.
The pain assembled a tremendously high tower of fear with no stairs and put me on top of it.

Anyway, while I'm up here, would You please strike me with your thunder of enlightenment, oh God?

This pain in my chest is nobody's fault but mine. I've known already, I've to pack up remnants of my heart and leave everything be. Instead, I am lying on these shards of glass, crying over droplets of blood running out of me.

Get out of here!
You aren't welcome anymore!
Take all the memories with you, for I don't have the need for them no more!
Get out and leave me be! You cast dark shadows in my light room;
you are not wanted anymore!
You painted my walls with my blood, bathed in my tears. So now the time has come for you to disappear. Then I will tidy up this mess and pretend that you were never here.

Even in my sleep I can't get my peace of mind no more. They started seeping right in through little holes you've made. Bigger are they becoming, feeding themselves from my fear, soreness, desperation. Heavier are they getting, weighing down, nailing my soul motionless on to the cold ground.

I have been jamming storms and thunders and chaos inside my bottom drawer, pushing them together in the dark pit to be forgotten. 'Tis time to rearrange and cram new ones inside.

I woke up to floods of tears. For a moment I was lost and couldn't comprehend the streaming of the salt water out of my eyes. In my sleep I've forgotten everything: the aches, the troubles, the doubts, the desperations. I asked myself, "Is it already time for me to wake up?", for everytime I open my eyes I see them again; fully armed, ready to charge.

"Your happy is too loud", said she. "Your happy is too loud, I can't hear my sad. My eyes are flooded with salt water and my heart feels heavy and cloudy, so I think I'm supposed to be sad. But your happy is too loud, it confuses me. Let me rest my head and listen to my sad, so I would know why it's here and what it wants from me. And then perhaps later we could let our happies be loud together."

-After "We Bought a Zoo"-

Back to Black

Just when I thought I have harbored my boat
safely
A wild storm blew and ripped it
from the shelter away

No matter how I screamed
and plead the gods
they just didn't want
to leave me be

I held on tightly to my boat
until
my fingers bled and
my bones cracked

The storm still came violently
hysterically
rampaging every flower I planted
carefully

And now that it has stopped
I can't find my boat
I just find myself alone
in this devastation

Morning Revelation

For him,
who touches the deepest of my soul and soothes the little creature that is hunched crouching in the corner.
For him,
who walks with me and holds my hands constantly even in my darkest hours.
For him,
who kisses my tears away and tickles out smiles and laughter from my stiff mouth.
For him,
who is brave enough to fight the distance and stubborn enough to love me against all odds.
For him,
I reshape my overwhelming warm emotions into these words; that
To him,
I give all my heart.

Oh, Lord!
help me rinse my blackened heart with your wisdom
help me wash away my stained thoughts with your affection

Oh, Lord!
please give me back my strength to chase away my unwanted desire
render me the miracle to heal my crippled conscience

Oh, Lord!
pour that cold rain over me
Drown my sinned soul in your cleansing water

shake me
make me tremble before you
crumble me
Oh, Lord!

Mea Culpa

Every bit of my body and soul
is crying out for help.
I am
afraid, that
I am
not strong enough to fight
myself.
Because
I am
Selfish,
I am
Wicked, and
I
Pretend not to be all that, what
I really am

Please forgive me for I have sinned.

Let everything be

I need you to need me,
Want you to want me,
I long for your longings,
Crave for your cravings

If it's too heavy a burden,
Too much to bear,
Then just let go,
Leave everything behind

Don't bother
To say
Good bye

The Water

And there was the pale moon
over the dark water
And there was the cold, still night,
rioted by our blazing hunger

Every kiss
I breathed in
every caress
I submerged in

the silver water
danced
to the red
of our melting fire

our shadows entwined,
summoning ripples,
shooting the face
of the breaking dawn