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NICE WARMHEARTED bogus FUNNY INTELLIGENT INTERESTING PRETTY feigned SMELL GOOD EASY GOING PLEASING EARNEST illusory CLEVER EXPRESSIVE TALENTED false DILIGENT FUN AFFECTIONATE HONEST KIND SENSITIVE WISE sham MATURE LOVING :

The jewels shimmer most brightly in November.

Natzweiler-Struthof

Ghosts were everywhere there. It was cold and white. I could not trust even the land I stood upon. I could not find an unharmed road to walk on. It was a vast expanse of land, cultivated to satisfy the appetite of the strong. Every inch of the soil was spoiled by blood. The air is full of ferociousness; you can inhale cruelty. I could not stay too long. It was like being jammed inside a freezing, narrow box. You could not move; you just crouched there searching for some light, trying to breathe properly.

I saw them, piled on the snow; towering to the sky; as if trying to make a ladder to escape the electric fence and the maschine guns. A tower of cadavers 800 meters above the sea.

I saw them, hasting in a centrifugal motion leaving the chimney of fire. They did not want to stay there, neither did I. But I could walk out through the gate alive, most of them could not.

My Time Table

What does it like being 30?

As I was 6 I wanted to be 13
(they were so cool I wished to be in their gang in the junior high)

13. Pimple face, outsider, stork, too skinny; member in no gang.



As I was 13 I wanted to be 20
(my neighbor studied chinese literature and could speak the language perfectly...She's tall and pretty and smart, and she already had boobs!)

20. Still too skinny with zits here and there, lonesome, low self esteem; studied german literature, troubles with the grammar, the tallest of the whole school and whaddaya know... a pair of boobs!!



As I was 20 I wanted to be 16
(I wished to be 16 and careless and free!!)

As I was 24 I wanted to be at least 20
(Oh no, I see more wrinkles under my eyes!! Where can I find a good anti aging creme?)

This weekend I will be 26

I freak out

Ginger Milk

2 lt. Milk
300 gr. hoed Ginger
Palm sugar and/or normal sugar (as you like it)
Honey (if you want to)

Put everything in a pot and let it simmer!

Go to your library and choose one of your favorite books. make your bed ready. Read the book while sipping your ginger milk. Play your favorite music on the background. Look outside the window and be thankful because you are warm in your bed reading a good book and sipping the yummiest winter drink ever. The world outside can ravage with its coldness, for all you care!!!

Have a cozy evening!

Despair

Say you need me and I will come to you
Cry out you want me and I will run to you
Lie if you have to and I will believe your words trully

I will not question I will not doubt
I will be dumb I will be naive
If that is what I it takes for me to be in bliss again

Let me hear the soothing sentences
Let me swallow your make believe wholly
Let me praise your utopian existence

The tip of an iceberg is all I long for
Nothing deep nothing sincere
I will numb my sharp feelings

With all my heart I will accept
all these superficial escapes you offer

I will be dumb I will be naive
If that is what it takes for me to be in bliss once again

I Will

I have to wear my mask more often. If they like me better that way, I will. I am too hideous to bee seen, too grotesque to please them. I thought those times have passed by, when I had to wait behind the line and could watch everything from my dark corner. It was really wrong to allow myself to spoil my soul with these delusions. I have never been a beautiful swan. Once an ugly duckling I will stay being one. So I will soothe the world with my mask. I know where I belong, so I will face the sun with my covered face, so that the world could stay intact. The uglyness of me could horrify the calm blue sea and turn the peaceful waves into a fearful tsunami and kill so many innocence on earth. I mean no harm. So I will wear my mask more often. I will.

Living Out Dreams

Yesterday the thought came to me. Another relationship bit the dust; and the thought came to me: where is true love? Is there such a thing as true love?

A year ago I was still this little, naive girl who saw the world through her pink glasses. I believed that people are basically good, that we can always trust others. I knew that there are bad people out there, but somehow I trusted it that they didn't exist in my own-built-world; they couldn't exist. The worst thing is, I believed that there would come the time when I meet the one who will love me with all his heart, the one whom I can love back also with all my heart.

I thought loving someone means always doing it with the whole of your energy, like Elizabeth Browning said in one of her poems, " [...] with depth and breadth and height my soul can reach [....]" I believed her fully. I believed it would come in my way. I always imagined how beautiful it would be, to be able to pour someone your love that way..., to be able to experience it; being loved that way. So everytime I thought love is coming in my little path of life, I thought, " hey, now it is your turn, girl!" Then I would start to live out my dream. In the end (there were unfortunately always ends) I eventually realized that I was just dreaming my love life. In the end it is just me with pieces of my shattered dream.

I am the product of trashy love songs and poems! They mislead many people like me! Urging us to believe virtues, which actually just exist in the minds of simpletons.

Really, they should ban such arts!

Fun(ny) Love

It is a community where love is a commodity.

It is just fun and nothing but fun. If it makes no longer fun then you can go try and look for another fun in another place from another person. If you don't play their game, you will end up being the ball instead of the player. You can stick to your principles and enjoy yourself being tackled and or kicked around the field. Or you can play their game and forget who you are and your root and history.

It is another side of the planet. They have different rules. It is the place where you ought to eat or be eaten. It is the location to eat more than you can chew. You just have to ignore it if you choke. Ignore if your food is sending you to meet the skeleton with the scythe. You can still be a zombie and continue to eat delicious food! There is no end to fun. Fun is life. Fun is love.

Hail to capitalism!

On the Battlefield

What is wrong and what is right? Are there still any standard answers for this ultimate question? This is a battle. I am standing in the middle of the field with my weapons on my back. My lover is my greatest enemy. My enemy is my beloved lover. Just like Penthesilea and Achilles. In the end she killed him and ate his heart. Eventhough it meant that she also ate her own heart at the very moment. So she died when he died.

Inside Dreams

I feel like I am walking in my sleep. Or perhaps in someone else's sleep. It is very surreal here. The days are hot and fuzzy blue. The nights are dying cold but full of day's light. I don't know this city. I don't recognize my home, my room, my bed. Different. Unalike. They are aliens in my little world. A few times I caught myself trying to wake up and get out from this particular scene in order to find something I am familiar with. This turbulence of dreams are holding me a prisoner. In the dream of dreams I am drifting like fog above grass, moving slowly, taking my time to put my marks on many corners: "This is my territory!", I'd say. What is surreal could perhaps be sur(e)real.

A Box Full of Future

I want to risk it all and be like Pandora. I guess it is engraved in our female blood, ever since it began to rush inside us. I need to look inside the wonderful chest of father time Zeus gave me. What is inside? What is hidden inside? Apathy is something unfamiliar for me.

I am a magpie, who can not resist the temptation of glittering jewels.

Ruin Dance

Another unfinished world has tumbled down. It was a kingdom of folded cards, which was wrecked because of a slight breath of wind. Still she smiled and laughed at her disappointment and hysteria. He bolted his feelings inside his red glass jars. Surfacing just to take a bit of oxygen and beam to the frozen water in the air. It ended. She ended it. They ended. Going to a new untamed territory is a reluctant decision. In the meantime they prefer to go on dancing on the old new ruins; trying to enjoy and scrape the taste of the meal they could have had together. Outside the fence I look inside of the unfinished world that has tumbled down.

as fireflowers bloom

Today I witnessed a big party over the town. The sky was burned with many colors, like splashes of tints on a dark blue canvas. The fireflowers blasted off, exploded, rained down: lending a little feast for hungry lonely eyes. People were there, friends were there, I was inside happiness. Everybody and everything cheered. Somehow I feel like the dark blue canvas, but separated from those splashes of cheering tints. There is another party of dark canvasses inside me.

Processing

I am learning to walk on fire without getting my feet burned,
I am learning to eat shreds of glass without making my mouth bleed,
I am learning to look at a sun eclipse without getting my eyes blinded.
All there is to life and to live. I am learning.

Battered

Has it reapproached ? Has it come anew? Am I still capable of those give and take games? Have I not yet been crippled?

I changed my shape. Now I long to go back into the old me, for I have a new vessel now. A place to pour my rainbows down, to dip my soul to rest. But somehow I can not reach my old state yet. Somewhere in my old path I lost something meaningful, which I dread to save. If I can be the mahadevi again, if he can turn me into his energy, if we can mould ourselves into one subsistence.

My resistance. My rocket. My safety net.

The Arrival

Lo and behold!
Here comes my savior!

Galloping on the last unicorn, singing the song of the unknown land I have been desiring. His hair is as black as cold coals down inside the earth with streaks of golden aurora of the north pole. His smile is more blinding than the brightest sun burning over the african deserts. His eyes are falcons combing the land from above. Bewitching the very land where I stand, blowing a sweet scented breeze, blooming little white flowers on the ground between my feet. In grace he comes, spreading ripples of gentleness towards the sad and frightened trees.

He has found me.

step one

It is so very easy to be evil.
The root has been residing there since before the dawn has cracked. Sometimes you just do things without wanting. But still responsibilty is something you can't deny from you. Do you have to be evil to be able to keep on going with life? Because it is so very easy to be evil.

Explosion

Today I broke down. I tried to hold up the water inside my dam the whole time. But the pressure was just too forceful for my weakening strength; for the sky has been vomiting its bowels ever since his last new strokes. It was just too much for my basin, it was too hot for my snow barrier. I melted, it bursted out.

Transformers

I watch his words gliding to where I stand like a glistening serpent searching its way through uncountable barriers. Eerie it is, observing those beings changing shapes and shades gradually. What was blue can turn itself to yellow, what was big can turn into the tiniest element ever. What kind of magic takes place here I know not, yet constant quiver rules me, like lays of earth sometimes shudder when they clash on one another.

That they are carnivorous is not a new lesson. So I wonder, if I am going to throw myself back into their pit once again. Letting them fill my belly with sweets before all of a sudden slashing my flesh into little pieces, devouring them like hungry hyenas. Are they becoming my little gods that I am willing to offer myself on their behalf ?

Returned Order

In the yellow sky there are blue scattered thoughts of him.

Little dusts simmer whirling together shaping cotton candy fogs and clouds. Twinkling dots are the archer of the south; who is waiting patiently aiming to Apollo's charriot. If he could be shot down and tied up inside fogs and clouds for a while, perhaps there would be enough time for Gaia to return the long missed order in her chaotic bosom.

Then there would be no longer scattered thoughts of him in the yellow sky.