This pain in my chest is nobody's fault but mine. I've known already, I've to pack up remnants of my heart and leave everything be. Instead, I am lying on these shards of glass, crying over droplets of blood running out of me.

Get out of here!
You aren't welcome anymore!
Take all the memories with you, for I don't have the need for them no more!
Get out and leave me be! You cast dark shadows in my light room;
you are not wanted anymore!
You painted my walls with my blood, bathed in my tears. So now the time has come for you to disappear. Then I will tidy up this mess and pretend that you were never here.

Even in my sleep I can't get my peace of mind no more. They started seeping right in through little holes you've made. Bigger are they becoming, feeding themselves from my fear, soreness, desperation. Heavier are they getting, weighing down, nailing my soul motionless on to the cold ground.

I have been jamming storms and thunders and chaos inside my bottom drawer, pushing them together in the dark pit to be forgotten. 'Tis time to rearrange and cram new ones inside.

I woke up to floods of tears. For a moment I was lost and couldn't comprehend the streaming of the salt water out of my eyes. In my sleep I've forgotten everything: the aches, the troubles, the doubts, the desperations. I asked myself, "Is it already time for me to wake up?", for everytime I open my eyes I see them again; fully armed, ready to charge.

"Your happy is too loud", said she. "Your happy is too loud, I can't hear my sad. My eyes are flooded with salt water and my heart feels heavy and cloudy, so I think I'm supposed to be sad. But your happy is too loud, it confuses me. Let me rest my head and listen to my sad, so I would know why it's here and what it wants from me. And then perhaps later we could let our happies be loud together."

-After "We Bought a Zoo"-

Back to Black

Just when I thought I have harbored my boat
safely
A wild storm blew and ripped it
from the shelter away

No matter how I screamed
and plead the gods
they just didn't want
to leave me be

I held on tightly to my boat
until
my fingers bled and
my bones cracked

The storm still came violently
hysterically
rampaging every flower I planted
carefully

And now that it has stopped
I can't find my boat
I just find myself alone
in this devastation

Morning Revelation

For him,
who touches the deepest of my soul and soothes the little creature that is hunched crouching in the corner.
For him,
who walks with me and holds my hands constantly even in my darkest hours.
For him,
who kisses my tears away and tickles out smiles and laughter from my stiff mouth.
For him,
who is brave enough to fight the distance and stubborn enough to love me against all odds.
For him,
I reshape my overwhelming warm emotions into these words; that
To him,
I give all my heart.

Oh, Lord!
help me rinse my blackened heart with your wisdom
help me wash away my stained thoughts with your affection

Oh, Lord!
please give me back my strength to chase away my unwanted desire
render me the miracle to heal my crippled conscience

Oh, Lord!
pour that cold rain over me
Drown my sinned soul in your cleansing water

shake me
make me tremble before you
crumble me
Oh, Lord!

Mea Culpa

Every bit of my body and soul
is crying out for help.
I am
afraid, that
I am
not strong enough to fight
myself.
Because
I am
Selfish,
I am
Wicked, and
I
Pretend not to be all that, what
I really am

Please forgive me for I have sinned.

Let everything be

I need you to need me,
Want you to want me,
I long for your longings,
Crave for your cravings

If it's too heavy a burden,
Too much to bear,
Then just let go,
Leave everything behind

Don't bother
To say
Good bye

The Water

And there was the pale moon
over the dark water
And there was the cold, still night,
rioted by our blazing hunger

Every kiss
I breathed in
every caress
I submerged in

the silver water
danced
to the red
of our melting fire

our shadows entwined,
summoning ripples,
shooting the face
of the breaking dawn

Let's go to the hill, where little jubilant colored flowers dance happily with lush green blades of grasses in the music of the enchanting wind. Let's find there the spot, where we can lay ourselves down and count all the bee- and bird- and butterfly-like passing clouds in the light blue sky. Let's search for the most handsome tree and see if we can climb to the top. Let's pretend that we were together doing all the above until it was time to go home again.

You, dear,
are my beacon in the dark,
when my stars grow tired of glowing,
and my moon goes
together on a rendezvous with my sun,
deprive me of their lights.

This is It

Released are my rivers of tears
Suddenly I find myself standing in this
incoming
engulfing flood
and I haven't yet learned to swim

So I bid you farewell, love
Closing my lights of day
I will flow together
with the raging water
from the barrier you broke

And if I were gone today,
would you be able to find me again tomorrow?

"How are you?" It's a simple question with not such a simple answer.

Today I asked people how they were doing. Some of them couldn't give me any answer. So instead, they just said, "I don't know!"

"How can you not know how yourself is doing? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be able to answer such a short and simple question!" And so I thought...


A couple of hours ago I was lost in my day dreaming and emotional turbulence (as on any other day). Some people I know saw me and asked how I was doing. I was caught off guard and couldn't answer the question. I smiled, thought for a while, mumbled something incoherent, tried to hide my confusion by smiling again. But that was it. And at last I answered that simple question with the same, "eerrr..., I don't know!"


And then alone, I tried to solve life's newest mystery, which this simple "how are you"-question introduced. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, "how are you?" My image smiled but I also saw a big blotch of denial on my cheeks, just where the big smile dwelled. I asked again, "Really, dear... Tell me truthfully, how are you?"


"Fine!" The woman in the mirror answered convincingly. But I, the person who knows the woman in the mirror and her cunning very well, I saw this woman sent away a little doubt into the never ending coridors behind her tangled mind.


I realized then, that trying to answer the question while looking in the mirror won't give me any result. So I meditated. Ultimate question asked. Then I waited. one, two, three minutes passed. Rrrrrrriiiiiing!!!!! My cell rang its annoying old telephone ringtone. I picked up the phone. Someone cheerfully said,"Hello, Novy! It's me! How are you?"


"I don't know", I answered.
But at least I was fast this time.

every single time
there are just the same
tears
waitings
disappointments

every single time
there are just the same
misunderstandings
angers
neglects

But love
keeps on giving me
illusions
of hope

And I am his fool
for believing
every single word,
every single time

Which is Which?

It is as if I just woke up from a very long dream.
Here in the now I find myself. Here in the reality I look over my shoulder
and see fuzzy borderline.

My dream felt so real; My reality puzzles me.

It is as if I just woke up from a very long dream.

or is it

I have just fallen asleep and started dreaming my reality and the dream I thought I was having was actually my actual reality---

My Odyssey

Tell me where happiness lies
So I can set my sails to the direction
Tell me what happiness is
So I would know if I found it
My home