On the Wings of Hope

Have you ever been afraid of what the future holds?

The turning of the year was never such a big deal for me; just like birthdays, they are nothing but lines of insignificant numbers. To pinpoint a certain place in time and associate it with some meanings was never my cup of tea. Unlike the believers of Nostradamus nor the sympathizers of the Mayans, I have failed to spend my free time on wondering when the world will eventually come to an end.

But then I came to a halt. A couple of hours before time for the old year is running out, I ponder all the events of the last almost threehundredandsixtyfive days. Would the new pack of days again be an ill witted, uncompassionate entity, which would just continue to batter my withered soul like its predecessor? And then came the question into my head, if others are also afraid of what the future holds.

This fright is shattering my road, greying my skies, hiding my bright sun from sight.

Never have I taken my time to stop and call to mind bitter sweet moments of the past,
never have I taken my time to stop and feel the wounds and scars they have left me.

The pain was an obtrusive color in my palettes. It shook my balance, disarrayed my concentration.
The pain assembled a tremendously high tower of fear with no stairs and put me on top of it.

Anyway, while I'm up here, would You please strike me with your thunder of enlightenment, oh God?

This pain in my chest is nobody's fault but mine. I've known already, I've to pack up remnants of my heart and leave everything be. Instead, I am lying on these shards of glass, crying over droplets of blood running out of me.

Get out of here!
You aren't welcome anymore!
Take all the memories with you, for I don't have the need for them no more!
Get out and leave me be! You cast dark shadows in my light room;
you are not wanted anymore!
You painted my walls with my blood, bathed in my tears. So now the time has come for you to disappear. Then I will tidy up this mess and pretend that you were never here.

Even in my sleep I can't get my peace of mind no more. They started seeping right in through little holes you've made. Bigger are they becoming, feeding themselves from my fear, soreness, desperation. Heavier are they getting, weighing down, nailing my soul motionless on to the cold ground.

I have been jamming storms and thunders and chaos inside my bottom drawer, pushing them together in the dark pit to be forgotten. 'Tis time to rearrange and cram new ones inside.

I woke up to floods of tears. For a moment I was lost and couldn't comprehend the streaming of the salt water out of my eyes. In my sleep I've forgotten everything: the aches, the troubles, the doubts, the desperations. I asked myself, "Is it already time for me to wake up?", for everytime I open my eyes I see them again; fully armed, ready to charge.

"Your happy is too loud", said she. "Your happy is too loud, I can't hear my sad. My eyes are flooded with salt water and my heart feels heavy and cloudy, so I think I'm supposed to be sad. But your happy is too loud, it confuses me. Let me rest my head and listen to my sad, so I would know why it's here and what it wants from me. And then perhaps later we could let our happies be loud together."

-After "We Bought a Zoo"-

Back to Black

Just when I thought I have harbored my boat
safely
A wild storm blew and ripped it
from the shelter away

No matter how I screamed
and plead the gods
they just didn't want
to leave me be

I held on tightly to my boat
until
my fingers bled and
my bones cracked

The storm still came violently
hysterically
rampaging every flower I planted
carefully

And now that it has stopped
I can't find my boat
I just find myself alone
in this devastation

Morning Revelation

For him,
who touches the deepest of my soul and soothes the little creature that is hunched crouching in the corner.
For him,
who walks with me and holds my hands constantly even in my darkest hours.
For him,
who kisses my tears away and tickles out smiles and laughter from my stiff mouth.
For him,
who is brave enough to fight the distance and stubborn enough to love me against all odds.
For him,
I reshape my overwhelming warm emotions into these words; that
To him,
I give all my heart.

Oh, Lord!
help me rinse my blackened heart with your wisdom
help me wash away my stained thoughts with your affection

Oh, Lord!
please give me back my strength to chase away my unwanted desire
render me the miracle to heal my crippled conscience

Oh, Lord!
pour that cold rain over me
Drown my sinned soul in your cleansing water

shake me
make me tremble before you
crumble me
Oh, Lord!

Mea Culpa

Every bit of my body and soul
is crying out for help.
I am
afraid, that
I am
not strong enough to fight
myself.
Because
I am
Selfish,
I am
Wicked, and
I
Pretend not to be all that, what
I really am

Please forgive me for I have sinned.

Let everything be

I need you to need me,
Want you to want me,
I long for your longings,
Crave for your cravings

If it's too heavy a burden,
Too much to bear,
Then just let go,
Leave everything behind

Don't bother
To say
Good bye