Hail to the guardian of the tower of the south,
I invoke thee!
Come and take over this dried field of mine!
Resurrect thy power from within the soil I stand upon
for here I am bended and broken down
bleeding out my residue of love, passion, affection!

Hail to the guardian of the tower of the south,
I invoke thee!
For my fortress is no longer strong holding
the downpour of the molten red lava from my eyes.
This worn out heart can't save herself anymore,
soar right away into me!
Redeem me once again!
Reborn me!

worries

I'm back to where I used to be and am even going on further into this dark pit. I know what kind of torment is waiting for me there. But I am going on further still. I put my self at stake again just to find out, that it will never ever going to get better between us. Perhaps it is better for some time, but I know for sure, that I will have to rip my guts out all over again....just to create a distraction for myself and thus ease the heartache. I know I have to install my shield again and go away as far as the wind can take me, or that time will come.

my wreckage ship; one

It’s naturally not easy to find yourself down in the dumps. Especially if you know that there is not a big chance for you to crawl back up to where you used to stand. People say, if you want to make a change of your situation, you should just stand up and do it. They say it’s the problem of your mind. However, sometimes I find it more comfortable to stay here in my dumps after you just got punched a few times in your face. People are keep on crying out: “Go ahead and save your soul!” But they just don’t know and don’t care. What if I don’t want to be saved anymore? I am just tired of being accused of things I am not responsible of, or being told to do things I really don’t want to do, or to get stapled with packages of disappointments. So I would just sit here in my dumps and enjoy the process of my fading out. No one would ever notice, anyway.

"you might call him dull, but he smiled whenever he saw me and we could have built a life on it." an excerpt from the movie "Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day".

A Schizophrenic State

Can someone tell me where my fairies go? I was so busy coping with life it didn't dawn on me instantly. The clamors of the city dimmed the tiny voices of my fairies. It was like being struck by a colossal lightning: I was finally aware of their absence. Where did they go? I used to have them with me all the time. They used to talk to me, encourage me, comfort me, accompany me. But now there is not a single trace of them and strangely, I can only vaguely recollect their faces. I swear they were there all the time. I could swear that.. Perhaps...

Where do my fairies go?

Trapped

Life can really get on your nerves sometimes. And when it does, you just want to bury your head deep in the sand, so that you won't have to get acquainted with all the ugly winged wearies from the pandora box. Just when you think all is going on well, you realize you're standing on a quicksand because you were too overwhelmed by your success. without compromise are you sinking into the sand. You just wanted to bury your head, but now you get the whole bonus treatment. All those success can't give you a hand and help you out. You end up alone being depressed and thinking how it's all gone wrong, collecting milestones of memories you piled on the corner trying to figure out why it went wrong. Perhaps you should let it all go. No more fights. Just let everything go and accept your situation whilst wondering why that stupid woman opened the forbidden chest on the first place.

A Plea

Spin your viscous web around me, so I can't see the outside world anymore. I want to stay inside your cage, just to make sure that I won't hurt myself anymore. I prefer to be blind than seeing how they wipe my memories away. I prefer to be deaf than hearing how they loathe my ways. I am one lonely dot amidst triangles; and no triangle likes a dot. So please take me in your asylum; spin your viscous web around me.

How Old is He Now?

The Fitting

Am I wrong to fit the world to my needs, so I wouldn't lose hope and just crow my fears in the most silent way? Eventhough I have never seen magic before nor felt its silvery clink, I am thrilled everytime knowing its thick existence in the world I have created for my own sake. A playful world filled with colorful magic creatures, sunlight, moonbeam, and tiny twinkling stars: all together at once, waiting for their turn to soothe and protect me from weariness and ailments. I can always retreat and find refugee with my well-chosen friends in my well-designed world. Anything to protect my soul. I fear the day when I would be totally normal like any adult. I dread their inability to recognize the beauty of a dust, the sweetness of raindrops or the melody of a bumblebee. I am fitting the world to my needs: with my collections of enchanted lace and ribbons.

Excerpts from Indonesia II

Indonesische bzw. betawinesische Weisheiten:

Muttermilch ist scharf. Sie kann für den Säugling gefährlich sein.

Die möglichen schlechten Wirkungen von Muttermilch für Säuglilnge:
1. Wenn sie auf die Babyhaut tropft, kann sie Hautkrankheiten verursachen.
2. Wenn sie auf den Babypipimann tropft, kann die Muttermilch später Impotenz verursachen. Falls das passieren sollte, dann soll die Mutter den Penisschaft des Kranken mit ihrem Zehendaumen drücken.

Diese Weisheiten habe ich von einer alten betawinesischen Masseurin erzählt bekommen. Sie hat mir sogar als Beweis eine so ähnliche Geschichte von ihrem Nachbar verraten: In der ersten Nacht nachdem dieser Nachbar seine Frau geheiratet hatte, stellte er plötzlich fest, dass es mit ihm in seinem Hochzeitsbett überhaupt nicht gut klappte. Seine neugeheiratete Frau ging um einen Rat zu seiner Mutter, und die Mutter zu dieser Masseurin. Die Masseurin erkannte sofort diesen Zustand und die mögliche Ursache. Sie empfahl dieser traurigen Mutter, die obigen Prozeduren durchzuführen. Diese Mutter führte das bei ihrem Sohn wirklich aus und danach war er wieder gesund. Also, wenn es wirklich helfen kann, warum nicht?!?

[...]



Ikan Lele (Catfish/ der Wels) wird heute immer noch mit Menschensstuhl gefüttert. In Cabangbungin, Bekasi (3 Stunden Busfahrt von Jakarta) zum Beispiel habe ich es selbst gesehen, in einem langen Fluss, der mit vielen "Hubschraubern" beschmückt wird.



zu dem obigen Bild: so sieht ein typischer "Hubschrauber" aus.Aber unter diesem ist normalerweise ein Fluss oder ein See (mit vielen ikan lele!). Da freuen sich die ikan lele, wenn die Menschen zu diesem Klo gehen. Maaaahlzeeeiiiiit.....




Eine Zitat von masakmasak.blogspot.com:


"I had to satisfy my cravings for this - Pecel Lele which is essentially deep fried ikan keli (catfish). The fish was nice and crunchy that you could even eat the bones. Topped with the crunchy batter bits, I was happy reliving memories about this dish which I once ate at Jakarta."

Excerpts from Indonesia I

Jakarta, der 7. Tag/Samstag

Die Zeit bleibt stehen. Jede Ecke behält eine alte Erinnerung. Gleichzeitig sehe ich alles auch ganz anders. Ich sehe überall (ver)alte(te) Gesichter; Kinder, die ich überhaupt noch nie gesehen habe. Es ist, als ob ich eine Zeitreise gemacht hätte [...]

Unser Haus ist der absolute Kitsch, mit vielen blauen Wänden. Das erinnert mich an Schwimmbäder. Mein Papa hat 2 Schlafzimmer mit Klimaanlagen ausgerüstet, trotzdem ist es keine richtige Hilfe gegen das Kitschproblem. Vor dem Haus in unserem Garten wächst ein schöner Guava Baum mit lila Blumen. Der Baum streut seine Nadelförmige Blüte überall in unserem Vorgarten. Es ist eine sehr idyllische Szene, die ich sehr bewundere [...]

Unser Badezimmer ist etwas besonderes. Die zwei Badezimmer unten (ich schlafe zur Zeit in meinem alten Schlafzimmer in der ersten Etage) sind sehr schmutzig: mit von Dreck verdeckten Boden. In dem Bad im Wohnzimmer gibt es eine selbst gebastelte ziemlich lange Toilettenbürste (!!!). Mein Papa ist sehr stolz auf seine Werk, dass er die Bürste in eine Ecke des Bades gestellt hat: aber ohne Schüssel!!! Also: ein verdrecktes Bad mit einer nackten Toilettenbürste in der Ecke. Ich betrete dieses Bad nur, wenn ich überhaupt keine andere Wahl habe [...]

In a land where halal food is very important, (the government even built a tall building for a halal food institute) there is no guarantee that the food you eat is not poisonous. They are absolutely halal for sure, but no one has any idea if your food can kill you. I wonder what these people are thinking [...]

I miss him so very much. No, never I am going to stop falling in love with you.

shrive

Your mouth could be a vicious beast, which can rip off the heart out of any body, any thing. So think deeply, express yourself carefully.

Your tongue could be a very sharp sword, that can cut off the head of any body, any thing. So watch the way you talk.

Oh please forgive me for I have sinned.

The God of Small Things

At a flea market he lives, chatting with everyone, everything he meets. With his microscopic lenses he wanders registering the world in his head: composing words and frozen live scenes. When the rest of us is too busy with everything gigantic and big and enormous, he scavanges neglected details from every nooks and crannies, puts them carefully in his big box to enrich his collection: towers of keepsakes and memories.

At a flea market he lives, enjoying forever sun beamed out from the loud crowds in his surroundings. He counts all the clouds in the sky and seeks for the greenest tree over the hill everytime he looks out the window. He distinguishes different colors of droplets of rain and paints his own rainbow out of them.

You would, wouldn't you?

Go to the ocean without water
Bathe yourself in its fanciful vapor
So you wouldn't lose your winged wishes
In the jungle of ripened rice fields

Delusions could be your redeemers
So go dance with their golden mirage
Choose your own shade of colors
Use their emotions for your private collage

Under this ancient tree
I will wait patiently
For you to come to me
Then no more I will be lonely

haste

Here is everything still in chaos. I have to tidy them up bit by bit.
I have no idea what is taking me so long to finish this one single chore, but I still need time.

I often have bad dreams of being left alone, being the only one left when everyone has gone away. Then I would try to catch up in order to be with the others again; but I just can't. I would run as fast as I can, run and run and run, until I wake up with sweat on my forehead.

I am still tidying myself up. Rotten memories under my bed. Fear on the dark corners. Anger on the ceiling, low self-esteem on the walls. Traces from almost three decades of life time. I have to tidy myself up and throw all self-destroying things away.

I still need time and no one would wait.

The Holy Flame

The burning tire keeps on rolling; setting in-gasoline-immersed-waste in flame. Everyone cries their fear, anger and despair out loud. With tears on their eyes they stand still..and hate. All that was precious was burned down. Now hate is their only treasure, that would be kept carefully, polished shiny, bequeathed ceremoniously. Until someday they forget why they are doing what they are doing. "Our fathers' fathers have been doing it the whole time, so this is nothing but holy!"

I've been

I've been trying to understand how the world goes
I've been craving to comprehend why everything happens the way it is
Why do I have to feel all the woes
Why can't I just have my peace

Fiends wear masks of angels
Friends are just shadows in a foggy forest
I made acquaintance with those masks of angels
I bathed in the shadows of that foggy forest

Without the slightest doubt
with overall trust and no pout

No one ever bothered telling me
masks cover genuine faces
A rock can shadows never be
No one ever bothered showing me their paces

I've been waiting too long
for a simple answer
to end my confusion

Peace out!

So I found this particular text somewhere and since then on it has become my behavioral guidance to deal with other people.

"If someone hurts, betrays or break your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your eyes. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not because they love you, but because they teach you to love and open your heart and eyes to things you would never seen or felt before.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it every thing that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and listen to them. Let yourself fall in love. Break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to do so. Tell yourself that you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't, no one else will believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it."


Wow, it sounds great, isn't it?

I always feel like Mahatma Gandhi every time I read it, think of it, or practicing its wisdom. However it is not very easy to be so skinny and just eat the simplest food, wear the humblest clothes all the time. And it is especially not easy not to hit back if you are getting brutally slammed down. Don't you think?