The Run

Back to the start line again. The last run was annuled because of his disloyalty to the team. He went away and left me alone standing on the racetrack struck dumbfounded. But now he has come back to me once more with face looking down; regretting his blunder, deploring the absence of my existence. Despite of the loud objections from the jury I opened my arms to hear his pleas and accept his apologies. Yet forgiving is easier than forgetting, because I can still feel how my open wounds bled. The hurt sways like pendulum swinging in a regular interval, providing doubt with materials in order to thicken its walls around me. Nevertheless, the decision to revert has been reached, eventhough it has not been publicly announced. Preparation has to be made: remedies to heal injuries, cool spring water to quench thirst, music to sooth pain, attention to break down doubtwalls.

Words of forgiveness have been said; a new beginning has been agreed. So now I have to be consistent: hold on to what was spoken. So now I have to be fair: give him the chance to redeem. Obsolete hurts have to be forgotten, retaliation has to be wiped away. Back I am to the start line, my hand in his, waiting to hear the cry of "ready, get set, go!"

Lily of the Valley

Unison of peace in mind and heart. Purity, tranquility, humility.

The Dictator

I do not know what I am doing. I just did what my heart told me to. Most of the time it would only hurt myself, but still I am very much under its control. I have no idea where this little beating lump get its neverending power. Precisely at the moment when I thought it was at its weakest, it grew stronger, very much stronger than I can ever imagine it could be. I tried to overpower it. But instead of having it at my feet, I am following it on my bended knees.

Glass Bridge

He mentioned about our glass bridge. The bridge that brought us together as a couple, that held our love intact the whole time. He brought up his will of rebuilding that connection once again. Doesn't he realize it was not just the glass bridge that was torn down, fractured into sharp little splinters? It was also me. I was there on the bridge holding on tight to what I still could hold on to, eventhough he was no longer there.

Up there was I. Up when I should have run down and save myself before it shattered. Now that it has, I am at the moment occupied in taking care of my wounds, healing them with the herbs of father time. I do not have the needed strength to hold the bridge together again, nor to glue the colorful fractions into one; not anymore. I am drained, dehydrated. He sucked everything that was in me. I am using my final strength and last breath only for my own well being. Only.

We were two people brought together by a glass bridge. You should have spoken softly, trodden lightly.

. . . .

I woke up this morning looking up to the sky on the horizon. Secluded in a box of nothingness grinning to the black clouds that crawled spreading their greyness to the constant light blue. The light that was white, that was warm, that was kind; that was blinding, that was burning, that was menacing. The blue that was airy, that was cool, that was gentle; that was hard, that was all that.

I am wrapped up inside the grey, thinking that it is okay. But it is somehow too hollow here, too frozen. . . .

My Sickness

I thought I was sick. I panicked. I thought I was abnormal. I thought I was just a useless microbe with no life at all--considering my usual symbiosis had ditched me. So I thought, being a microbe I would not be able to continue living without him. He was my little world, he was my source of energy, he was my food supply. It is logical if I thought I would immediately die without that essential synergy; a very illogical point of view.

I was nearly dead, not because I did not possess any strength, but because I believe I would die. He stabbed me a few times, let myself bled, but then came to me and tried to hold me and heal my wounds; just to stab me more afterwards. I was so sure I would die. I was sure I was dead. But then I realized that I was still breathing, I could still see how he danced away to his so called soul mate, eventhough my lungs were clogged, my eyes were almost blind and my heart was crushed. I felt, I saw... and the wonder of it all is: I survived

I thought I was sick. But now I know I was not. I was just deeply in love. Deeply hurt.

Lovesick

From This Moment On--Shania Twain

(I do swear that I'll always be there. I'd give anything
and everything and I will always care. Through weakness
and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better, for worse,
I will love you with every beat of my heart.)

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on
Analysis:
Too much Fantasizing, obsessed, loving the partner too much, giving up themselves to the other, identifying themselves with the other. Conclusion: Sick.


Everything I Do I Do It for You-- Bryan Adams

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

SICK TOO

I'm Too Me

Pathetic is maybe the most correct word for my condition right now. I tried to convince myself that I will get over him this time (I have been telling myself the same scenario since three weeks ago). I wrote encouragements for myself over and over again. Thousands of parchments are already used and written with all of anger and hurt and blame and guilt and the will to revenge, forgive and heal at the same time. But still, his promises are making me tied up on the spot. Like a baby in the dark mother's womb entangled by its umbilical cord, suffocated, but can not get out eventhough its time has rippened. Would I die inside my mother's cave or outside?

Here I go again feeling sorry for myself. Thinking writing saying telling asking about my death. I guess it's far from the literal one. I am too much a coward to end my life, and I actually still have a slight wish of seeing hope once again. In search for that little winged fairy, I analyzed every sheet of self-help book I could stumble upon. I see every single illness symptoms in me. My worries grow like an ancient baobab, stabbing through my dignities with its fear-sharpened trunks.

Too much love should be my illness, obsessive love is another of my many diagnoses. "Why Women Love Too Much" said my symptoms are almost acute. I am giving up myself and beginning identifying myself with him. I don't have any self-identity anymore. My happiness and sorrow are defined by his. According to many love-websites I am an obsessed lover because I just can't get over him. I am trying to be in control of my relationship. I want to change my partner the way I want him to be and believing that I am --that way-- helping him. However this is supposed to be just from my point of view. He doesn't feel comfortable treated like that, and he will by and by drift away from me. So my love drove him away, which was by the way the exact sentence he told me on one fine day.

I have to change my thinking. I have to be more self centered. I have to concentrate on my own well being. So no more I want to be with you in every waking moment. No more I want to hold you from the back while you are sleeping. No longer missing you every one absent hour. No longer weeping everytime you went away without kissing me good bye. I have got to be able to focus on me. Be egoistic, be on track, be practical, be mathematical, be logical, be cool, be mean! In other words: I must stop being me!