I'm Too Me

Pathetic is maybe the most correct word for my condition right now. I tried to convince myself that I will get over him this time (I have been telling myself the same scenario since three weeks ago). I wrote encouragements for myself over and over again. Thousands of parchments are already used and written with all of anger and hurt and blame and guilt and the will to revenge, forgive and heal at the same time. But still, his promises are making me tied up on the spot. Like a baby in the dark mother's womb entangled by its umbilical cord, suffocated, but can not get out eventhough its time has rippened. Would I die inside my mother's cave or outside?

Here I go again feeling sorry for myself. Thinking writing saying telling asking about my death. I guess it's far from the literal one. I am too much a coward to end my life, and I actually still have a slight wish of seeing hope once again. In search for that little winged fairy, I analyzed every sheet of self-help book I could stumble upon. I see every single illness symptoms in me. My worries grow like an ancient baobab, stabbing through my dignities with its fear-sharpened trunks.

Too much love should be my illness, obsessive love is another of my many diagnoses. "Why Women Love Too Much" said my symptoms are almost acute. I am giving up myself and beginning identifying myself with him. I don't have any self-identity anymore. My happiness and sorrow are defined by his. According to many love-websites I am an obsessed lover because I just can't get over him. I am trying to be in control of my relationship. I want to change my partner the way I want him to be and believing that I am --that way-- helping him. However this is supposed to be just from my point of view. He doesn't feel comfortable treated like that, and he will by and by drift away from me. So my love drove him away, which was by the way the exact sentence he told me on one fine day.

I have to change my thinking. I have to be more self centered. I have to concentrate on my own well being. So no more I want to be with you in every waking moment. No more I want to hold you from the back while you are sleeping. No longer missing you every one absent hour. No longer weeping everytime you went away without kissing me good bye. I have got to be able to focus on me. Be egoistic, be on track, be practical, be mathematical, be logical, be cool, be mean! In other words: I must stop being me!